A letter to Pat Robertson from Satan

Wrinkled God-botherer, history buff and champion tool, Pat Robertson caused a wave of revulsion after his remarks on the earthquake in Haiti. For the few who missed them here’s a quote…

They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal

Many have criticised him both in print and on various news networks but, when aiming jabs at the religious, nothing succeeds quite like good, old fashioned mockery.

Here’s the text from an open letter to Pat Robertson printed in the Minneapolis Star Tribune written by Lily Coyle posing as Satan himself.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating.

I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake.

Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Nice work Lily…


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5 Responses

  1. love it

  2. Pat Robertson deserves the Golden Turd award.

  3. The truth is that they did make a pact with the devil.

    Now the significance you put on that pact I guess has to do with whether you believe the devil is real or not.

    But it is one of Haiti’s founding myths.

    http://muse.jhu.edu/login?uri=/journals/small_axe/v009/9.2laroche.html

    According to Haitian national history, the revolutionary war was launched on the eve of a religious ceremony at a place in the north called Bwa Kayiman (Bois Caiman, in French). At that ceremony on August 14, 1791, an African slave named Boukman sacrificed a pig, and both Kongo and Creole spirits descended to possess the bodies of the participants, encouraging them and fortifying them for the upcoming revolutionary war. Despite deep ambivalence on the part of intellectuals, Catholics, and the moneyed classes, Vodou has always been linked with militarism and the war of independence and, through it, the pride of national sovereignty.

    So, yeah if there is a devil, Haiti made a pact with it. Might explain why even though Haiti and the Dominican Republic share the same island, the Dominican Republic has been far more successful.

    • The only made a pact with the devil if you are looking at the ceremony from a christian point of view.
      The ceremony wasn’t calling up the devil and asking him favours. A priestess was “possessed by the spirit of Ezili Danto.
      Here’s what a vodou practitioner has to say about her…

      “I discovered that Danto is above all else a loving mother who gives Her children the strength to face any obstacles. She may be a fearsome warrior, but she is also a faithful protector who works hard and quickly for Her devotees. Now that I have been fortunate enough to meet Danto face-to-face at several ceremonies, my fear has been replaced by love and a deep respect for this powerful spirit.”

      Not quite the horned Beelzebub of the Old Testament who is, I am sure, the chap Pat Robertson feels the pig was for….

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