Where can I buy a Merkin?

For many years I thought the Merkin was an urban myth.

It wouldn’t have surprised me… what better myth to invent than a funny sounding word about a naughty area of the body. I thought there couldn’t possibly be any circumstances in which someone would actually want to buy a pubic wig.

Until this week that is…

My wife has had an unfortunate accident at the waxing parlour.

Apparently she asked the “technician” to give her a “Brazilian” only to discover the woman got somewhat carried away. What was also carried away was with every wisp of fur on her body. She is now entirely bald.

The entire incident has raised a number of questions…

1. Why, given the myriad scientific advances we have made, do women insist THE most effective way of removing ones pubic hair is by pouring hot wax on it and tearing it out by the roots?

2. Why did my wife not realise the entirety of her bush was gone until she sat up and asked where it was? How can you not notice the pain creeping into the “landing strip” area?!?!?!?

3. Why did she not ask for her money back? (She said “It was too late by then” )

4. Why do so many women in the porn industry have completely shaven nether regions? Is there some sort of general idea that what men really, really want is their women to look pre-pubescent?

Whatever the porn industry says, you can count me out. I find it rather disturbing and off-putting. I prefer my women furred* and fabulous.

So, until a luxuriant new growth appears, does anyone know where you can actually purchase a merkin? The only ones I’ve found appear to be novelty items rather than quality goods that can deliver the “natural bush” look my pubically challenged wife requires.

Have a look at the samples I found….

The Doughnut. Although, puzzlingly, the instructions don’t say whether it should be worn front or back.

The "Doughnut"

Here’s one for lovers everywhere. Popular on Valentine’s Day although I’m glad to see the traditional “arrow through the heart” doesn’t feature on this model.

The "Valentine"

This model is a more “natural” shape plus it can handily be used should any of your children be cast as Fagin in the school’s production of Oliver this year.

The "Fagin".

But my personal favourite is this one. It might require a bit of negotiation to get my vegetarian wife to wear a bacon merkin but it’s not like she has to eat it.

And I can make it myself too… think of the savings!

The "Bacon Merkin". Breakfast of Champions

* By “furred”  I mean attractively tufted. Not “bush like a burst sofa”.

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