The End of the World is Postponed

The opening of the Large Hadron Collider last year caused a media frenzy the like of which we haven’t seen since, er, well… the last time the media found something to be in a frenzy about. This time it was everyones favourite demon, science. Yes… those dastardly scientists were prepared to risk the lives of every living thing on the planet just to prove something about the beginning of the universe or some such claptrap. Evil governments across the globe coughed up millions of taxpayers hard earned cash in order to dig a doughnut shaped tunnel beneath Switzerland and fill it with magnets and whatnot so they could fire very tiny things at each other at very, very high speeds.

Some pioneering newspapers, like the Daily Mail for example, strove to calm public fears of the unknown with headlines such as Are we all going to die next Wednesday? while Britain’s No 1 Sun came up with the snappy Boffins set to cause Big Bang and, inventively, followed the test firing of the collider with Success! The world hasn’t ended. And then the attention of the press, disappointed by the lack of apocalyptic accidents, turned its attention to other vital stories such as global warming, swine flu and the “breaking” story that the Mayans had actually predicted the end of the world in 2012 and it’s time to whip the masses into a frothing frenzy while the going is good.

So imagine my delight when the LHC came roaring back into the news this week. Was there a chance the world would be rent asunder once again? Perhaps scientists had been spotted having drink and drug fueled orgies whilst riding around the 27km tunnel of the collider in shopping trolleys? No. The Large Hadron Collider, all €3.7 million worth of it, has had to be shut down because a bird has dropped a lump of bread into it.

How very sad… this once mighty project, which only a year ago had us plebs trembling at the mere mention of it, has now turned out to be a harmless waste of euromoney, capable of being wrecked by a wayward lump of baguette. Ah well, 2012 it is then…


Large Hadron Collider

All seemed well until Hans realised he had left his sausage in the collider


One Response

  1. These guys will be laughing after coming up with this theory a couple of months ago:

    A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather. […]

    “It must be our prediction that all Higgs producing machines shall have bad luck,” Dr. Nielsen said in an e-mail message. In an unpublished essay, Dr. Nielson said of the theory, “Well, one could even almost say that we have a model for God.” It is their guess, he went on, “that He rather hates Higgs particles, and attempts to avoid them.”

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