Imagine if … Fox News existed in 1938

Transcript of Fox News “Fox and Friends” for 30th September 1938

Today’s Special Topic: Chamberlain, The Munich Agreement and AppeasementFox '38

Gretchen Carlson: Here today, we’ve assembled a special panel to look at some momentous news from Great Britain where the Conservative Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain has just returned from his historic meeting with German Chancellor Adolf Hitler. I’m joined by William Kristol, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limburgh and of course my co-host Brian Kilmeade. Bill, just to get us started, what’s your take on Prime Minister Chamberlain as a leader?

Bill O’Reilly: Well, he’s a leader the world can respect. Chamberlain is not one of these liberals like Roosevelt who is always talking about protecting the immigrants and trade unions. Just quietly, I suspect that democrat FDR is homosexual and will soon be legalising abortion. No, Chamberlain is a strong, religious man, and as you said, a Conservative, so he has a firm moral base and knows the difference between right and wrong, unlike the French. The French are always trying to stir up trouble those cheese eating fighting monkeys.

William Kristol: I agree Bill, Chamberlain’s a principled type of guy who understands what Hitler is doing, and essentially that is merely claiming back that which rightfully belongs to the Germans. So Chamberlain’s done the right thing in signing the Munich Agreement. It would be completely different if that warmonger Churchill had his way. He’s changed political parties time and time again. He’s a flip flopper.

Gretchen: What about the “alleged” mistreatment of the Jews by the Germans?

Bill O’Reilly: Aren’t we making just a little too much of this Jew thing? Look, it’s only been a little burning of some books—who reads anyway?—I know no-one on this panel does. Apart from the books, there’s been maybe a few broken shop windows. I suspect they may be doing it themselves to cause trouble. Besides, all that glass breaking will be like a stimulus package for the glaziers, so it’s a good thing.

Rush Limburgh (yelling): The Jews can bail out themselves – no more bailouts for anyone, that’s what I say. And Austria, they speak German, so they’re practically German anyway, right? Just like Canada is practically American. So, Anschluss away, we’re all Germans today!!!

Glenn Beck: I’m just so glad that a conservative is in power in Britain. A liberal would probably have tried to stop Hitler. I mean, if we don’t have Hitler, who’s going to stop the socialists? Certainly not that Red-enabler Roosevelt. Where are our freedoms going? *Sniff*

Brian Kilmeade: Well, I’m not much of a student of history, as you may have realised from many of my comments over the last five years, but I think we made a big mistake sending black athletes to the 1936 Olympics two years ago. That was Roosevelt’s fault and our relations with Germany have suffered ever since. Think of the financial consequences.

Rush Limburgh: Absolutely. Sending those uppity blacks was just an insult to this fine conservative German leader. Roosevelt has now given them jobs that our fine citizens could be doing instead. Germany’s trains all run on time and how many negroes work on their transport system?

Gretchen: Hitler is saying that he’s not interested in any more land beyond the Sudetenland but a lot of people do worry about German bellicosity given the way that Hitler’s forces bombed the Spanish back in 1936.

Bill O’Reilly: Those that got bombed were communists and socialists – Hitler did the right thing. And that no talent Hemingway – he’s just like those shit-stirrer actors – what do they know about politics? Bomb them all! Dago terrorists!

Brian Kilmeade: So, we all agree, appeasement was the right thing to do?

William Kristol: Yes, that piece of paper will end up in a museum one day celebrating this great non-liberal, freedom lover.

Gretchen: You look like you’re tearing up a bit there Glenn. Tissue?

Glenn Beck (crying): I’m sorry, I just love my country… I just… *sniff* … every time I see Chamberlain walking from that plane and waving it, you know. And that phrase—“Peace in our time”—will always be a reminder of what truly great peacemakers that conservative politicians are. Conservative. Conservative. Right wing. Freedom™.

Gretchen: I’m sorry, I’ll have to stop you there Glenn as we’re almost out of time. Bill O’Reilly… a last word from you?

Bill O’Reilly: What’s that!?!?! I don’t even know what that means? WHAT?!?! FUCK IT! I’LL DO IT LIVE! I’LL DO IT LIVE!

Sounds of smashing glass and splintering wood in the studio.

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