The Complete Guide to the Future

In a previous post, Apocalypse Not, we took a look at the human tendency, throughout history, to believe that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are going to be riding into town at any moment.

This tendency is also often exploited, with any number of prophetic God-botherers lining up to inform gullible listeners that He has chosen to end the world on Tuesday week and you won’t be needing your money any more, so you may as well give it to me.

Jack and Rexella Van Impe are two such charlatans; their website features a newsletter and updates on world news, followed by a segment from Revelations pointing out a prophesy that has foretold said event and the Rapture will soon be upon us. Needless to say, there is a section urging you to donate your soon-to-be-useless cash.

Jesus is coming again soon — Perhaps Today! Let’s do our best to reach the world for Christ.

Now, perhaps some people may read their ravings and think there may be something to them. Thing is, the Van Impes have been churning this shit out for years and have been living comfortably off the proceeds of fear without ever having to apologise for manipulating people. That’s religious freedom for you, hallelujah!

And why am I so certain in my views? How dare I risk a thunderbolt flung by a wrathful Almighty enraged by my blasphemy?

Perhaps it’s because their “prophecies” are complete and utter bollocks*.

Like I said, the Van Impes have been churning this shit out for years… here’s a segment from their show from the 1990s which turned up recently on the ever excellent Everything Is Terrible website.

Hilarious, yet infuriating at the same time. Dicks.

*Someone from the US has pointed out that nobody there knows what bollocks are. This may include Mr Van Impe. Should this be the case, please apologise to him and point out his bollocks with the toe of a fast moving boot between the legs.

Further Reading at Notes: Apocalypse Not

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59 Responses

  1. hi, i am a freelance trainer in bangladesh. i am eager to exchange views with you. this is just to start the discussion. hope to hear from you. tks, yakub

  2. In the past 15 years or so, I have caught these two kooks on TV several time.
    Rexella looks like she could use a good meal, and Jack with the major “comb over” and their “Gloom and Doom” program make me gag.
    I’m NOT an atheist- in fact, I am a Believer- but these people give “Christian TV” a really BAD name.

  3. I am looking for Chinese exporters of Pet supplies and other similar products

  4. In a word, “Hilarious.” 🙂

  5. You may spew and throw your vitriol at “people of God”, but you are not rejecting them. You are rejecting me – God. Those people and others can’t do anything for you. I am the only being in the universe that can do anything for you.

    Your hatred is not against these people but against me. You desire to do your thing and live by the way you want. You were not created for your own wants. I created you that you could live with me and worship me.

    Gods made of wood, metal or stone are as lifeless as a dead body. They can hear, see, smell, taste, or touch. Only I can hold you when you are sad. Only I can speak to you about what your future holds. Only I can see the future and know the end from the beginning. Do you seek personal pleasure and gain only to have to leave it for someone else that comes after you.

    I came to earth and gave myself for you. I died that you might live and tell others about it. Do you want to spend an eternity in torment, where the fire nevers stops, worms never die, and thirst is never quenched? You will experience the most horrific nightmare that your brain cannot even begin to comprehend.

    Turn from your wicked ways now and live. I, God, don’t delight in the death of the wicked. I would that all of mankind would come to repentance and live. Don’t worry about other “people” say and do. Worry about what you do. Will you give your life to me? Will you die to yourself, so that I may live through you? Will you forsake everything and allow me to guide you and lead you?

    It is not easy to be a child of mine. The world hates me, and thus, they hate my children, as you do. You hate Jack and Rexella van Impe. Not because of themselves, but because of me. You hate me, so you hate my children. Come to me, and let me show you the truth.

    You are a sinner dying in your sins and headed to a devil’s hell. It was not meant for you or any person. However, if you choose to serve the devil and be his child, then your just punishment for rejecting me and the gift of eternal life through my son, Jesus, is an eternal death in the hell.

    Choose you this day whom you will serve. Let my Spirit stir in you and speak you about coming to know the truth. Confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that I raised him from the dead, and you too can be saved by my grace through your faith in me. There is no other way to me, God, in heaven except through Jesus.

    I love you.

    • Dear Spirit of God…
      I’m thrilled to know you’re thinking of me. Perhaps I should clear something up re. my feelings towards the Van Impes however…
      I strongly suspect they are charlatans, using You as a device through which to instill fear into their gullible audience and extort money through (essentially) holding the idea of eternal torment over their heads.
      The reason I suspect they are a fraud is neatly covered by the accompanying video… they are obviously making it all up.
      Now I’m no expert on Sin (despite many manifold efforts on my part) but wouldn’t they be deserving of a thunderbolt or two?
      Just saying…
      Oh… and I love you too man, you rock.

    • Who knew “God” was posting comments on the Internet!

      Sorry, but whoever is speaking for God here needs to back off for a number of reasons, but especially for perpetuating this non sense that God both loves us all the while he plans to torture billions of us with fire for eternity, and most expecially if one believes Jesus had a pretty good idea about what God is like.

      I’ve actually written an entire book on this topic–“Hell? No! Why You Can Be Certain There’s No Such Place As Hell,” (for anyone interested, you can get a free Ecopy of my book at my website:, but if I may, I’d like to share with you one of the many points I make in it to explain why Jesus did not (and could not have) believed in Hell.

      If one is willing to look, there’s substantial evidence contained in the gospels to show that Jesus opposed the idea of Hell. For example, in Luke 9:51-56, is a story about his great disappointment with his disciples when they actually suggested imploring God to rain FIRE on a village just because they had rejected him. His response: “You don’t know what spirit is inspiring this kind of talk!” Presumably, it was NOT the Holy Spirit. He went on, trying to explain how he had come to save, heal and relieve suffering, not be the CAUSE of it.

      So it only stands to reason that this same Jesus, who was appalled at the very idea of burning a few people, for a few horrific minutes until they were dead, could never, ever burn BILLIONS of people for an ETERNITY!

      True, there are a few statements that made their way into the gospels which place Hell on Jesus lips, but these adulterations came along many decades after his death, most likely due to the Church filling up with Greeks who imported their belief in Hades with them when they converted.

      • The discrepancies between Jesus’s pronouncements on a God of love and more traditional Old Testament notions of God as vengeful came about because it is not that likely Jesus came to further the cause of Old Testament value at all. If he had the Jewish leaders would have had no problem with him. Later Popes and gospel writers are to blame for trying to legitimize Jesus as the prophet whose coming had been predicted by John the Baptist. Their intentions may have been honourable – they may well have been attempting to prevent religious wars between Old Testament believers and the followers of Jesus. But even good intentions do not assure us of positive outcomes. What Christians have ended up with as a result is a contradictory, almost oppositional at times, selection of canonical holy writings which are further branded indisputable by emphasis on certain (Old Testament) proclamations on blasphemy. Side point – arguing against the written word of religions is NOT blasphemy anyway, it is heresy.

        • Oh, and an example of something Christians ought to consider blasphemous is a human being posting responses to blogs and claiming to be God.

          • It does seem the last refuge for many whose religious beliefs lead them to try and convert strangers. I’ve been buttonholed a number of times by shiny faced folk who have informed me that they were chatting to God this morning and He sent them to me…
            It’s always an entertaining experience!
            The Jehovah’s Witnesses eventually edged toward the door, made an excuse and left however… I wonder why?

  6. Hell with it, let’s riot. Mr B Eelzebub.

  7. HILARIOUS!!!! LOL “The Twinkling Of An Eye” LOL

  8. If J & R Van Impe were the ONLY ones dishing out this crap, we’d be lucky.

    But they’re not — over here in the States we have a laundry list of apocalyptic-nut-burger-wack-os who live extremely well predicting The End. We have a prophet “novelist” (Tim LaHaye) who has made millions off of his “Left Behind” series (books, video games, movies) based on the prophecies in the book of Revelation.

    So far these Biblical Buffoons have yet to be correct about anything. In fact, Jules Verne and H. G. Wells have had more predictions (prophecies, if you will) come true than all of these Bible Boneheads, plus the book of Revelation, combined!

    • Sad but true ektachrome…
      I went on a road trip through the States in 1988 and at one stage could only pick up radio stations from local churches. I don’t think a single one gave us any chance of living past the year 2000…

  9. what?

  10. The Book of Revelations is sealed until the end time–and no one knows when that will be. Jesus even said so (Matthew 24:36-51). Read the book of Daniel in conjunction with Revelation. Also, no prophecy can be privately interpreted (2 Peter 1:20-21).

    But do not think you can ridicule God–and get away with it–by ridiculing the people who claim to speak for Him.

    • Don…
      My point here really is that anyone appears to be able to “speak for him”
      Should our ridicule be reserved for people who aren’t claiming a direct link with God just in case?
      Are you suggesting the Van Impes are actually in communication with God?
      I hope not.
      I always thought God had better taste…

  11. The world is full of cults and sects who can quote scripture to suit their own ends. I feel Nostradamus has a greater track record in terms of predictions, and he was shockingly vague.

  12. “…he was shockingly vague…”

    The real trick to being a good prophet.

    The Book of Revelation is responsible for more kook-burgers, cults, bizarre-ness and deaths than any other book in the Bible.

    People who make their living off of Revelation are not “people of God” — they are hucksters and religious snake-oil salesmen who see an ignorant, fearful, gullible market and take full advantage of it.

    • Couldn’t agree more.
      I find it incredibly sad that good people who chose to believe God and try to live in ways that are focussed around “Good” are preyed on by these folk.

  13. amazing! thanks for sharing
    I think I now spend some time on youtube to see the other parts

  14. You dont know the half of it. I had the extreme misfortune of working for them after I got out of high school. I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. Run away run far far away.

    • Tell us! Tell us!

      • For instance:
        1. Jack and Rexella or “Ana-Rexella” as she was know in the department I worked in, do not attend church…at all. Despite this fact that they themselves dont attend a church as an employee it is mandatory that you attend and bring in written verification weekly that you did.
        2. You are required to “donate” or “Tithe” a certain percentage of your paycheck to Jack. Actually you are strongly encouraged and by that I mean if you dont you are no longer employed.
        3. There are three weekly “Chapel Services” at the headquarters. Wherin Jack boasts about how great he is and how he is doing gods work.
        4. If you donate to Jack long enough he will eventually send you a form to include him in your will. I worked in the warehouse and mail center I saw thousands upon thousands of requests sent out monthly asking to be included in your will.
        5. Women are not allowed to wear pants, even away from work.
        6. Full financial disclosure. Upon hiring in and randomly throughout the year you are asked to provide your personal bank information.

        Want me to go on?

        • Yes!
          You could always e-mail us via our contact page and we could then expand it into a follow up post…
          I spent some time on their website yesterday and noticed on their application form that one of their requirements was for employees to tithe money directly back to the church. And this is where I sometimes end up baffled… it is so obviously behaving as a cult-like closed system but the veneer of religion allows them to continue… Only a Bakkeresque scandal can bring a halt to these operations, financial misdealings just don’t cut the mustard.
          Thanks for the insight 100poundsago… we’d love to do more on the Van Impes

  15. hahahaha pure scholars!! that’s gold you posted there 🙂

  16. When the apcolypse comes – I want that man’s hair to keep me safe from the “Oriental Armies.” Who needs a helmet?

  17. […] hate Jack Van Impe. I love Pee Wee Herman.  Any questions, class? Teh A.I.D.S. Possibly related posts: […]

  18. If the world’s really going to end real soon now (and 2012 seems like a popular target), now is a real good time to take out a 30-year interest-only mortgage.

    I must live in a sheltered part of the country (California) – I’ve never seen those people, and only recognize the name from long ago.

    Rexella? That must be the feminine form of “Rex” (=”king”).

    There must be some special school for barbers that cut TV evangelists’ hair.

    Does anybody remember one of the most incredible pair of TVE’s – “Doctor O. L. Jaggers an Miss Velma”?

    Then there’s the perennial favorite, Gene Scott, whose idea of preaching was to browbeat his TV audience into sending him money..

    [I’ve just dropped in by way of your page hitting the front of WordPress.]

    • Good to know we’re on the front page!
      Feel free to return at any time ZZMike!

      I just spent 15 minutes torturing my eyes on TV evangelist hair… and yes!
      There does seem to be some sort of uniformity… could this be a sign?

  19. Wow. God made the blog.

    And this:

    “If the world’s really going to end real soon now (and 2012 seems like a popular target), now is a real good time to take out a 30-year interest-only mortgage…”

    Instant highlight of my day! LOL!

    But I digress… I’ve seen these two on TBN from time to time when I used to live back home in Florida. Funny how many people dig into what they’re saying.

    Anyone’ll listen to you when you scare them to death. Seems these folks know that and have taken advantage of that with money-counting glee.

    • Perhaps one day they’ll slip up and will come crashing down in a storm of scandal.
      Although, it seems as though the only scandal that can torpedo your career in the religio-fraud game appears to be the sex/drugs/hookers-gate style.
      People have got used to being ripped off by them so fraud just doesn’t cut the mustard anymore….

  20. I like it when Rexella asks Jack if there is any chance of a “partial Rapture.” What would that be like? False alarm from God, change your mind, or maybe leave bits of yourself behind.

    • I was wondering about the partial Rapture too. Try before you buy maybe? And where’s the usual infomercial money-back guarantee?

  21. I am a christian, many bible predictions have/are coming true. Jesus will return, no one knows when. The bible even predicts your mocking words, but it doesn’t matter. You can’t win in a fight with God. One thing I can say is people should beware of false preachers and prophets- listen to Jesus’ words in the bible. I don’t know why you have to focus on preachers taking money under false pretenses- where are your rants about lawyers, doctors, therapists, auto mechanics, etc… There are good ones and there are bad ones- and God will sort em out! Thanks for the forum!

  22. Funny that those who cry tolerance can take liberty and have open season on God and anyone who believes in him… or what he taught….such tolerance, sensitivity, choice, free speech is nowhere to be found :0( … I will agree and apologize for those who misrepresent the Gospel, who do not understand what Christianity is really about …. Those who are true Christians do not act as the rest of the world acts, but lives by the Word of God, and does not show hatred to others….. Now, You may mock God but your tune will change when you die (there is great odds that one out of every one will die) and you will have to see God face to face…. and explain to him that he does not exist or his Son Jesus Christ was not God… actually the fool says in his heart their is no God :0(

  23. I LOVE your succinct message laced with dark humor undertones. The thing is, its sad that people believe all of it and are manipulated into acting based upon fears. Keep writing, I’ll keep reading.

  24. Somebody should tell ol’ Spirit of God that he’s simultaneously blaspheming (claiming to be God), judging (in violation of scripture), and displaying a very hateful attitude.

    Frankly, as a Christian and a fairly reasonable person, I’m sick and tired of TV evangelist wackos getting rich off the social security checks of the old ladies who believe their crapola. And the only thing worse is the sanctimonious jerks like Spirit of God who defend their money-grubbing, hurtful, hateful, evil behavior.

  25. Completely agree that humans need to feel that ‘the end is nigh’. A need that has been exploited by religion forever. We discussed the need in relation to Global Warming here:

  26. Oh come on – how long are we going to be driven in the same direction by the scare tactics of the god squad? I’m a little sick of the landscape, and really bored with the constant threat of my soul being devoured by the dark and evil. Take a look at your own actions TODAY, and tell me they are pure and done with love – evil breeds evil. Don’t tap my shoulder with your promise of angel love and puffy white clouds. And for CHRIST’S sake, get yourself to a hairdresser, god is CRINGING with shame!!!

  27. aha-ha! i never believe such things! why should i believe anything that is not proved? just because some people believe it and try to pursuade me in this? no, thank you!

  28. If you take text out of context, you’re left with a con. Thanks Jack

  29. […] wafers magically become the flesh of a man who died 2,000 years ago or our good friends the Van Impes (and we’ll be looking at them again soon) will be asked to prove that God fills them in daily […]

  30. It is literally comical and entertaining to read the animosity on this blog toward God, Christians, and all things faith-based around Jesus. If you want to test the power of God, which is not recommended, then try this one on for size.

    Jesus, himself, stated that anyone who mocks Him will be forgiven of their arrogance; however, anyone who mocks the Spirit of God will not be forgiven and hence forever doomed to hell. In many circles, it is called the unpardonable sin or blaspheming the Holy Spirit. “And so I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come” (Matthew 12:31-32). If you don’t believe in God and want a quick ticket to the flaming pit for an eternal barbecue, then just say that the Holy Spirit doesn’t exist or His work is of the devil. Just be snide and cocky enough to do it. Then you’ll find out come judgment day who was right – you or God!

    It is amazing also how the one man, whom people either love or hate, is always belittled or decried. Jesus of the lineage of King David of the tribe of Judah turned the world upside down. It is funny how the life and belief of one man has forever changed the political, religious, and economic landscape of the world. Isn’t it interesting how after his death, the message of hope and salvation spread throughout the known world in less than 150 years? The Far East took longer to reach as did the Americas because “the known world” was that of the Mediterranean world – Mesopotamia and northern Africa.

    The prophet Daniel interpreted the dream of King Nebuchadnezzar that foretold of the coming 4 major empires on the face of the earth: the then existing Babylonian folllowed by the Persian empire followed by the Greek empire that was split into four groups under the control of Alexander’s generals followed by the Roman empire. Yet there is a telling of a revamping of the last empire (Rome) that will rise again and take over the world from which the Anti-Christ will come to power.

    The Jewish collection of the book of Daniel predates all Persian, Greek and Roman documents and is verifiably true. We know that Nebuchadnezzar was a real king because his hanging gardens were credited by the Greeks as one of the original 7 wonders of the world. We have seen all of the empires mentioned in the dream of this king come to pass and are attested to by history and unfolded just as Daniel foretold.

    Those who think that Christianity is a farce because of the wrongful actions of a few are deceived and sadly mistaken. God is true and doesn’t destroy anyone. Mankind made the choice in the Garden of Eden to turn from God and follow after evil thinking in his heart that he could be like God. That was the lie that Lucifer believed and has used since then to get all unbelievers to follow him. He promises great power and prosperity but doesn’t explain the loneliness, heartache and misery that comes with having it all. Even King Solomon, the wisest of them all, said that having great riches is vanity and like chasing the wind. You amass a fortune and then have to leave it behind to someone else. You didn’t bring it in with you nor can you take it with you.

    Many people have spoken for God on this planet. Those who are true prophets have had their prophecies come true. There are still prophecies yet to be fulfilled in the Bible, which doesn’t make it untrue or contradictory. People don’t like to be told that how they’re living is wrong. People are hedonistic and self-fulfilling by nature. It is contrary to the human mind that a God, who is loving and compassionate, could sentence a person to an eternity of never-ending death and torture. However, it is not God who chooses that fate for people.

    Hell was created for Lucifer and his band of rebellious angels, now demons, but people chose to follow him and rebel, as well, against God. Rebellion against God comes with a price – death. On the other hand, those that choose to follow God, as he commands, will receive the gift of eternal life through the blood atoning sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. The cross was the price that had to be paid, but the story doesn’t end there. He came back to life through the power of God’s Holy Spirit and now sits at the right hand of God in heaven. Belief in Jesus being resurrected and confessing that He is LORD is the basis of salvation. It must be believed in the heart and not just lip service from the mind.

    The truth of the matter is that all religions are created by mankind and emphasize the actions and works of humans that determine entry into the afterlife. Any religion that has a leader or god other than Christianity (the full scope of Judaism) is either dead or was created by man. Christianity and the Jews are the only ones whose God is alive and not created by man but is in fact the Creator of all.

    The bottom line comes down to this. You either accept the work of the cross that cost Jesus his earthly life or you don’t. You either accept God or you don’t. There is no middle ground. You cannot earn your way to heaven. You must accept the gift of eternal life by grace given by God through faith in him. There is no other way to God but by belief in Jesus. It doesn’t matter how bad a person is or how “good” a person thinks he or she is. If you don’t accept Jesus as your personal Savior from sin and death and allow him to be LORD of your life, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL BY YOUR CHOICE! God sends no one to hell. People choose to rebel against him and place themselves there. That is the simple truth. YOU MAKE YOUR CHOICE! LIFE OR DEATH!

    • So are you saying that the Van Impe’s can be lying, fraudulent shitbags who cheat thousands of their money but as long as they believe in Jesus then they’ll still get into heaven?
      And they’ll get there over the sweet old Hindu man who lives down my street that sits outside and smiles and says hello to everyone and routinely delivers food and tea to a disabled Chinese lady nearby? It’s the fiery pit for him?

      God certainly would appear to work in mysterious ways then….

    • Oh… and I notice your IP address is the same as Spirit of God who commented earlier… are you related?
      Are you part of a blessed Trinity?
      And if so, what is the name of the remaining triplet and when will they turn up?
      Oh… and why don’t you have a Gravatar picture? Is it because you are ineffable?

    • another excellent example of a bumper sticker i saw once…

      “It’s not God I have a problem with, it’s his fan club I can’t stand.”

  31. No! No hard hearted, unrepentants will go to heaven. I don’t care if you were mother Teresa. No Jesus…no heaven or eternal life. What’s so hard to understand? Hindu, muslim or other. Applies to all!

  32. Duff, it need not be that way. You have a choice. If you believe in your heart Jesus is risen from dead & confess Jesus is Lord, you can have life forever. You can turn bar into online chapel & preach

  33. the truth of God’s word instead of tear Him down. If Van Impes are wrong, pray & ask God to show you His truth. He will if you earestly seek Him. He won’t turn you away. People choose to turn from him

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