Where can I buy a Merkin?

For many years I thought the Merkin was an urban myth.

It wouldn’t have surprised me… what better myth to invent than a funny sounding word about a naughty area of the body. I thought there couldn’t possibly be any circumstances in which someone would actually want to buy a pubic wig.

Until this week that is…

My wife has had an unfortunate accident at the waxing parlour.

Apparently she asked the “technician” to give her a “Brazilian” only to discover the woman got somewhat carried away. What was also carried away was with every wisp of fur on her body. She is now entirely bald.

The entire incident has raised a number of questions…

1. Why, given the myriad scientific advances we have made, do women insist THE most effective way of removing ones pubic hair is by pouring hot wax on it and tearing it out by the roots?

2. Why did my wife not realise the entirety of her bush was gone until she sat up and asked where it was? How can you not notice the pain creeping into the “landing strip” area?!?!?!?

3. Why did she not ask for her money back? (She said “It was too late by then” )

4. Why do so many women in the porn industry have completely shaven nether regions? Is there some sort of general idea that what men really, really want is their women to look pre-pubescent?

Whatever the porn industry says, you can count me out. I find it rather disturbing and off-putting. I prefer my women furred* and fabulous.

So, until a luxuriant new growth appears, does anyone know where you can actually purchase a merkin? The only ones I’ve found appear to be novelty items rather than quality goods that can deliver the “natural bush” look my pubically challenged wife requires.

Have a look at the samples I found….

The Doughnut. Although, puzzlingly, the instructions don’t say whether it should be worn front or back.

The "Doughnut"

Here’s one for lovers everywhere. Popular on Valentine’s Day although I’m glad to see the traditional “arrow through the heart” doesn’t feature on this model.

The "Valentine"

This model is a more “natural” shape plus it can handily be used should any of your children be cast as Fagin in the school’s production of Oliver this year.

The "Fagin".

But my personal favourite is this one. It might require a bit of negotiation to get my vegetarian wife to wear a bacon merkin but it’s not like she has to eat it.

And I can make it myself too… think of the savings!

The "Bacon Merkin". Breakfast of Champions

* By “furred”  I mean attractively tufted. Not “bush like a burst sofa”.


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13 Responses

  1. Mmmmm, bacon!

    The good thing is that scientists have recently proven that hair does not grow back more coarsely each time it is shaved or waxed so your face won’t get sandpapered with a post regrowth munch.

  2. That’s what a Brazilian is. Taking off everything. Next time, have her just ask for a bikini wax, or a partial Brazilian.

    • Perhaps that’s an indication of how language is subjective…
      She, and her friends, use the word “Brazilian” to mean “leave a bit behind please”. And, with the exception of this instance, that is what they are left with.

      But, you are right, “Brazilian” means 100%… I’m pretty sure she won’t be mixing them up next time!

  3. Saying men like women to look pre-pubescent is like saying that women who don’t like beards like men to look pre-pubescent. When my wife completely removes her pubes, I don’t think she looks more like a child, I just think it looks more attractive (and the hair only ever gets in the way anyway).

  4. If you want to buy a seriously lovely merkin for you lady try http://www.saumarez.co.uk

  5. Fist off there’s nothing ‘naughty’ about the vulva. ;-) second unless you manscape, you really can’t complain about how much hair is down there. I do agree about the pron industry, they really need to stop catering to that fetish.

    Hey Bill, do you return the favor for her?

  6. “and the hair only ever gets in the way anyway”

    Amen.

    Ask the cat how it feels about hairballs.

  7. Hi, my wife has nearly lost all of her pubic hair and we were wandering how or if we could purchase a wig or something.
    many thanks.

  8. I am curious to find out what blog platform you have been using?
    I’m having some minor security issues with my latest site and I’d like to
    find something more safe. Do you have any recommendations?

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