Thank you Mad Men…

Advertising executives often believe their images and snappy slogans are the defining drivers behind cultural change. This belief is solidified at events such as the Clio Awards which aim to “celebrate and reward creative excellence, honoring a powerful form of communication and its impact on modern culture“. After a gallon of sponsor’s champagne and a snout full of Colombian marching powder, the moist-eyed “creatives” pick up their statuettes, humbled in the knowledge that their “creative excellence” has changed the world.

Are they right?

Let’s turn back the glossy pages of history and find out….

Remember the first Obesity Epidemic? At the beginning of the 20th century, scores of fatties were wobbling around cities, failing to make it through doorways, and threatening not to be fit enough for important healthy cultural pursuits such as the First World War.

Thankfully, advertising executives turned the tide with this snappy ad for the perfect dietary solution: Jar-packed sanatized tape worms.

Tapeworms. Like having your very own Sea Monkeys inside your alimentary tract!

Tapeworms. Like having hungry Sea Monkeys inside your alimentary tract. Goodbye fat, hello the sexy new you!

Or remember the population crisis of the late 1940s? Millions of men returned from combat in Europe and the Pacific only to find women wearing long skirts. Fortunately, this shoe polish ad solved the problem for those love-hungry GIs…

Who needs hidden cameras? Throw your shoe at a chick... instant upskirt!

Who needs hidden cameras? Throw your shoe at a chick... instant upskirt!

But the men at the agencies (and let’s face it… they were all men) didn’t forget the ladies…

Oh no… now the pretty little things had a bit of money of their own, they weren’t to be forgotten. Especially not if they had a pongy old vag.

Is there anything worse than having your Mum tell you about your smelly growler?

Is there anything worse than having your Mum tell you about your smelly growler?

Fortunately, the fear of smelling like a tub of old haddock could be eliminated with a quick scoosh of Demure liquid douche. Although, as those admen were keen to remind us, it was no time to be selfish. There was someone more important than your nagging mother whose feelings needed to be considered.

Although quite how a gentleman's nose should get close enough to detect Demure' "delicate scent" is anyone's guess.s

Although quite how a gentleman's nose could get close enough to detect Demure's "delicate scent" is anyone's guess

Whilst the problems of a whiffy wife weren’t part of the bachelor lifestyle, there were other issues. How does a single chap attract suitable bedmates and entice them back to his bedsit?

Fortunately, in those days, smoking didn’t cause cancer. Instead it caused a single lady’s clitoris to swell to five times its normal size.

A later series of ads showed how you can use her cleavage as an ashtray

A later series of ads showed how you can use her cleavage as an ashtray

What’s more, the power of tobacco made the clothes of seemingly straight-laced girls, simply fall off.

"Why thank you Sir. Can I introduce you to the Dewey Decimal System?

"Why thank you Sir. Can I introduce you to the Dewey Decimal System?"

Of course, once the leather-lunged ladies returned to a gentleman’s bachelor pad it was time for him to put them through their paces. And ask them to make dinner.

Few remember Hitchcock's early stills work

Few remember Hitchcock's early stills work

But for married ladies, keeping your man interested could be difficult. Especially when you introduce another woman into your household.

Great ad inventions of the 70s #17 - The Cougarette

Great ad inventions of the 1970s - #17 - The Cougarette

Fortunately for ladies who had passed their sexual peak and made it into their teens, the ad people put their heads together and solved the problem.

Love Cosmetics - Now available in handy hymen rupturing packaging

Love Cosmetics - Now available in handy hymen rupturing packaging

And how could men capture one of these baby/girl/women/slut hybrids?

It wasn’t easy.

It required something special, a way of displaying their manly qualities and availability as a potential partner whilst remaining at the very cutting edge of fashion.

Enter the Big Zip from fashion house The Fifth Season

Who needs aftershave? In the Big Zip you can just rely on your natural musky sex scent

Who needs aftershave? Wearing the Big Zip you can just dab your own semen behind your ears

As we can see… without the pioneering work of the advertising industry and their valuable contributions to “modern culture” the world would have been a duller and, presumably, less populated place.

In honour of their valuable achievements this Bartender is now proposing our own awards which will try to identify, and reward, the advertising “creative” who has contributed most to humankind through their art.

I have yet to decide on a title for this prestigious award…

But I’ve already picked out a trophy.

The prestigious Golden Turdâ„¢

To get your vintage advertising fix, go to Found in Mom’s Basement


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One Response

  1. made me chuckle, excellent

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